♥Heretofore

 

I left it to you ya Tuhan, 

My dreams,

My prayers,

and what i could not tell anyone. 

You know me the best. 

♥Today

Untuk yang pernah ada, cukup.

Tidak perlu lagi kata maaf atau terima kasih.

Cukup sampai disitu sahaja.

Masa dan harta yang pernah diberi hanyalah pinjaman Tuhan untuk dikongsi.

Biarkan hanya aku, kau dan Tuhan sahaja yang tahu kita pernah bersua.

Redha dengan segala galanya.

Tidak mahu lagi ada apa apa kaitan, 

bukan tanda dendam atau tidak memafkan.

Tiada dendam yang tersimpan. 

Cuma terlalu perit untuk bersua, 

terlalu sakit rasa yang diterima.

Serik & takut rasa itu kembali.

Rasa sakit yang terlalu perit untuk diterima,

terlalu perit untuk dihadapi.

Memaafkan bukan beerti boleh menerima.

Memaafkan hanya untuk diri, agar dapat terus hidup.

Syukur, sumpah sudah bahagia, sumpah sudah lupakan semua.

Terlalu cukup segalanya disini.

Terlalu cukup hingga "layakkah diri ini?" melayang layang.

Untuk yang mendatang,

harap diterima apa yang tersandang,

pertamanya, maafkan aku sayang.

♥Hiraeth

12 February 2019,
selamat ulang tahun awak.

I saw your stories, her stories on instagram.

You had a great birthday. She treats you damn well. 

Tbh, im jealous. That should be me? idk, didnt move on yet?

I do not know what i should do about this. Did i still love you? Or just i cant forgive you yet?

You bring her to see your mom.
You didnt do that with me. Im jealous? Yes i am. 

You buy her things.
You didnt buy anything for me? Im jealous? Yes i am.

You show her off, you proud of her, you praised her in public.
You didnt do that for me? Im jealous? Yes i am.

I didnt really know what did you feel about me when we were together. I didnt know what that 5 years means for you. I just dont know. You left me with thousand thoughts. Just like that.

You make me constantly wonder, did im not enough? where did it go wrong? what did that i lack of? should i do better? what should i do? my effort didnt enough? did i didnt meet your expectation? what you want? what means by your "iloveyou" every single night and morning? How can your heart change drastically? How about all the promises we made? you made towards me?

but i've read this somewhere. 

"Bila lelaki betul betul sayang, dia tahu apa dia perlu buat. Dia tahu apa dia patut buat untuk orang yang dia sayang. Takperlu ajar pun, sebab lelaki takbodoh. Jangan pelik if you've been couple for years, but as soon as you guys break, dia terus kahwin/tunang. and one more, paling senang nak tengok, bila he's with you he never buy you things. But when with the new one, dia beli macam macam, dia buat macam macam untuk perempuan tu. Boleh faham kan?"

Dah boleh sedar diri kot? :)

Yeah i know, you're my past. But, sigh.. no matter how many times does my mind say "it is what it is" but still, deep down my heart wishes shit was different.

You, happy birthday. Little did you know, if happy is her, im happy for you.