♥Hiraeth

Untuk yang pernah ada, cukup.

12 February 2019, 

selamat ulang tahun awak.

i saw your stories, her stories on instagram.

You had a great birthday yeah?

Tbh, im jelous. That should be me with you? 

Nah.. I idk.

Didnt move on yet, maybe?

i realy don't know what i should do about this.

still loving you? 

or just cant move on? 

or maybe i just cant forgive you yet?

You brought her to see your mom.

You didnt do that with me?

You bought her things.

You didnt buy for me? not even on my birthday.

You showed her off, 

you were proud of her, 

you praised her in public.

You didnt do that for me?

I honestly did not know what you felt about me when we were together.

I dont know what those 5years meant to you. 

I just do not get it.

You left me with millions of thoughts. 

Just like that.

was i not enough? 

where did it go wrong? 

what did i lack?

should i have done better? 

was my effort still not enough after all this? 

did i not meet your expectations? 

and what did your "iloveyou" mean on every single night and morning? 

What made your heart change drastically? 

What about all our promises? 

Your promises to me? 

But yeah, youre my past now. 

Too many questions still lingering around.

Sigh... 

No matter how many times my mind says "it is what it is" 

But still, deep down in my heart wishes shit was different.

Happy bithday. If happy is her, im happy for you. 

♥Morning rant.

I hate night. Every single things that i do in a daylight to make myself happy, to make myself forget, to make myself strong again, to make myself feel normal again, its all fcking lost just in a one night. Its so freaking exhausted to start over again back in the morning. Your heart gonna be so heavy yet fucing empty in the morning and you just sit there crying and think what else you got to do to stop this cycle. I swear, its so fucking exhausted. 

I came to the phase where i no longer care about this world ending, it has ended for me so many times. and began again in the morning. I just hope that this world really did end. Im no longer interested to keep on fighting. I dont know why this heartbreak slap me this hard. I really did try hard to moving on, to let go for what’ve happen. But its just the same. Nothing change. My heart still feel the ache. This mind keep on forcing me to think about it. 

They say time will heal. But for how long? Im afraid that i cant make it to the exact time. Im no longer strong. Aku kecewa dengan diri aku. Aku kecewa dengan dia. Istg that being an option to someone is so fucking hurt. I didnt care if i was the second best candidate for the job i wanted, i didnt care about my bestfriend choosing someone else to be their lunch mate, i learned to be not surprised when my parent giving more attention to someone else but i didnt know why it hurts so much when you picked her over me. 

Im sorry. I really miss him. I miss myboy. I miss my strength. 

♥ Ramadan 2018

Promise yourself that once Ramadan is over, you wont go back to old habits. 
Try to sustain where you left off and be determined to carry on. -Mufti Ismail Menk.


I feel nothing about this Ramadan.
What should i feel about this month?
I dont feel the vibe.
I dont really know what to feel about this.
I dont even excited for this upcoming Eid?

I just feel sad.
I feel lost.
I feel empty.
I feel worthless.
I feel......

My heart feel so empty but yet its so freaking heavy.

God help me.
Im lost.
Take my hand,
and bring me home.
Please.