♥Heretofore

 

I left it to you ya Tuhan, 

My dreams,

My prayers,

and what i could not tell anyone. 

You know me the best. 

♥Today

Untuk yang pernah ada, cukup.

Tidak perlu lagi kata maaf atau terima kasih.

Cukup sampai disitu sahaja.

Masa dan harta yang pernah diberi hanyalah pinjaman Tuhan untuk dikongsi.

Biarkan hanya aku, kau dan Tuhan sahaja yang tahu kita pernah bersua.

Redha dengan segala galanya.

Tidak mahu lagi ada apa apa kaitan, 

bukan tanda dendam atau tidak memafkan.

Tiada dendam yang tersimpan. 

Cuma terlalu perit untuk bersua, 

terlalu sakit rasa yang diterima.

Serik & takut rasa itu kembali.

Rasa sakit yang terlalu perit untuk diterima,

terlalu perit untuk dihadapi.

Memaafkan bukan beerti boleh menerima.

Memaafkan hanya untuk diri, agar dapat terus hidup.

Syukur, sumpah sudah bahagia, sumpah sudah lupakan semua.

Terlalu cukup segalanya disini.

Terlalu cukup hingga "layakkah diri ini?" melayang layang.

Untuk yang mendatang,

harap diterima apa yang tersandang,

pertamanya, maafkan aku sayang.

♥Hiraeth

Untuk yang pernah ada, cukup.

12 February 2019, 

selamat ulang tahun awak.

i saw your stories, her stories on instagram.

You had a great birthday yeah?

Tbh, im jelous. That should be me with you? nah? idk, didnt move on yet?

i do not know what should i do about this.

still loving you? or just cant move on? or cant forgive you yet?

You bring her to see your mom.

You didnt do that to me?

You buy her things.

You didnt buy for me? even on my birthday.

You show her off, you proud of her, you praised her in public.

You didnt do that for me?

I really did not know what did you feel about me when we're together.

I didnt know what that 5years means to you. I just did not get it.

You left me with millions thoughts. Just like that.

Did im not enough? where did it go wrong? what did i lack of? should i do better? what exactly should i do? my effort didnot enough after all of this? did not meet your expectation? what even means by your "iloveyou" every single night and morning? What makes your heart change drastically? How about all of our promises? Your promises towards me? 

But yeah, youre my past. Too many question still lingering around. 

Sigh... No matter how many times does my mind say "it is what it is" 

But still, deep down in my heart wishes shit what different.

Happy bithday, Little did you know, if happy is her, im happy for you.