September 16, 2018

♥Morning rant.


I hate night. Every single things that i do in a daylight to make myself happy, to make myself forget, to make myself strong again, to make myself feel normal again, its all fcking lost just in a one night. Its so freaking exhausted to start over again back in the morning. Your heart gonna be so heavy yet fucing empty in the morning and you just sit there crying and think what else you got to do to stop this cycle. I swear, its so fucking exhausted. 

I came to the phase where i no longer care about this world ending, it has ended for me so many times. and began again in the morning. I just hope that this world really did end. Im no longer interested to keep on fighting. I dont know why this heartbreak slap me this hard. I really did try hard to moving on, to let go for what’ve happen. But its just the same. Nothing change. My heart still feel the ache. This mind keep on forcing me to think about it. 

They say time will heal. But for how long? Im afraid that i cant make it to the exact time. Im no longer strong. Aku kecewa dengan diri aku. Aku kecewa dengan dia. Istg that being an option to someone is so fucking hurt. I didnt care if i was the second best candidate for the job i wanted, i didnt care about my bestfriend choosing someone else to be their lunch mate, i learned to be not surprised when my parent giving more attention to someone else but i didnt know why its hurt so much when you picked her over me. 

Im sorry. I really miss him. I miss myboy. I miss my strenght. 

May 22, 2018

♥ Ramadan 2018

Image result for ramadan tumblr
Promise yourself that once Ramadan is over, you wont go back to old habits. 
Try to sustain where you left off and be determined to carry on. -Mufti Ismail Menk.


I feel nothing about this Ramadan.
What should i feel about this month?
I dont feel the vibe.
I dont really know what to feel about this.
I dont even excited for this upcoming Eid?

I just feel sad.
I feel lost.
I feel empty.
I feel worthless.
I feel......

My heart feel so empty but yet its so freaking heavy.

God help me.
Im lost.
Take my hand,
and bring me home.
Please.

October 12, 2017

♥ Unexpected Feeling. (Part 10)

Image result for a girl who leapt through time tumblr

** Sambungan Unexpected Feeling (Part 9) **
** Dinasihatkan baca ⬆⬆⬆⬆ dulu baru baca ⬇⬇⬇⬇ **

Sampai la semester 4, aku dapat interview SPA. and aku dapat that SPA. Sumpah time tu aku berkecamuk gila. Aku takleh fikir apa nak buat. Whether nak stay in UiTM or sgo SPA. Aku even do a post about it here. Kalau aku stay UiTM banyak buruknya daripada baik. Result aku teruk, aku repeat banyak subject and maybe akan extend. and thats is why aku rasa aku patut pilih SPA. To start a new life. Tapi aku still runsing. I swear bukan pasal result sahaja yang aku fikir. Aku fikir dia. Aku tahu my boy. Dia takboleh relationship jarak jauh. I knew him. Hes even say to me, "kalau nak pergi, pergi la. But i can’t assure you that we will still be ok like we're now" Sumpah aku nangis time ni. Aku taktahu nak buat pilihan apa. Of course, dia pun risau about aku nk pilih uitm stay with him or go to SPA. Then i make up my mind. Aku pilih SPA. Dia marah. Dia ingat aku nak bagitau kat dia yang aku stay UiTM with him. Tapi tak. Aku lebih fikir masa depan aku daripada dia. Aku pentingkan diri. Sampai sekarang aku still menyesal pilih SPA over him. Sumpah aku sayang dia. Aku sayang dia sangat. 

Then, lagi dua minggu lagi nak pergi SPA, aku call dia most of the time. Everyday everysecond. Aku still in doubt whether to stay or to go. Dia merungut nanti rindu macam mana. Nanti jadi apa apa macam mana. Nanti if something beyond our thought happen macam mana. Aku nangis. Then, lagi seminggu, aku pergi UiTM, untuk settle semua benda. Aku stay sana 5days. Jumpa dia. Lepak dengan kawan kawan kat sana. We have our last vacation there. Aku nangis teruk gila. And at last he let me go. Theres a lot of things that he ask me to promise. A LOT. Then, after that, dia balik cuti Christmas. Aku paksa dia even dia ada game tennis. Hes act like hes happy. Still buat aku gelak walaupun aku tahu dia sedih. Aku pun sedih sayang. Sedih sangat. :'( Dia cakap aku gemuk, muka macam dia. Hahaha  


Then, after aku pergi, awal tu memang bergaduh teruk. Almost setiap bulan. T_T Then, dia dapat tahu pulak time belajar tak boleh kahwin, Lagi dia mngamuk. Sebab dia pernah kata lagi dua tahun kawin. Aku blajar 3tahun. Aku cakap setahun lagi je, dia tetap marah. sebab dia mmg tak suka aku jauh dari dia. akhir akhir bulan baru ok sikit. T_T stress jugak la weh time dia marah tu. Every fucking night kitaorg bergaduh. T_T letih weh sumpah. Awal awal masuk tu lagi la, dah la orientasi, kena bangun awal. kita malam tu pulak duk otp dengan dia gaduh gaduh sampai pagi.  Sumpah stress gila la. Pastu dah akhir bulan tu, aku memang tawar hati gila dengan dia. First time in this nearer three year dia bagi option. Aku leave or aku stay. I guess what? Aku pilih aku leave. Aku cakap kat dia, "I'll leave you. I put you on hold. If you wanna wait, you wait for three years. If not, you can go to another girl." thats my ayat. 

Pastu lama dia tak reply. lepas tu, beratus ratus whatsapp aku dpaat dari dia. Dia mintak maaf, dia tak sepatutnya bagi aku pilihan mcm tu. Aku teriak mcm orang hilang anak baca apa yg dia hantar. At last aku tak tinggal pun dia. Im still there by his side. Tak sanggup weh. Aku sayang dia sangat sangat. Alhamdulillah lepas gaduh besar tu, dia dah boleh terima, aku ni jauh dari dia. Kadang kadang je dia main main, bila aku rindu dia cakap "tu la hang, pi duk jauh jauh lagi" hmm. Memang aku gerenti aku kena hadap perli-an dia tu selama tiga tahun weh. Hahaha. Tapi takpa weh, at least dah tak bergaduh. Weh sumpah weh penat gila bergaduh. Rasa taktau nak buat macam mana bagi ok balik keadaan. Last last, bila dah dua dua senyap taktahu nak cakap apa, tak tahu nak tinggikan lagi macam mana ego tu, baru baik balik. Hmm.. Takpelah, yang penting semua dah okay. 

coming soon.......
Unexpected Feeling. (Part 11) 


So, ni aku ada sertakan link untuk part 1, untuk sapa yang new on my blog. welcome and thank you :)
Unexpected Feeling. (Part 1)