May 14, 2019

♥ Unexpected Feeling.

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The very last.

"i think i've fall in love with her since then"..............."i'm sorry"

Today, aku decide nak touch up part 12 for this story. Sebenarnya, dah lama dah ada draft pun part 12 ni. But, aku ragu ragu untuk post. Aku rasa takperlu kot untuk post. Memang macam aku taknak post pun. Tak membawa kebaikan langsung. Sebab there's a lot of negative things in that story. Kang kena ban pulak aku mengajak kepada self harm. Hahahahaha. Tengah aku berfikir tu, suddenly out of nowhere aku teringat yang my best friend once have a blog too. So aku stop fikir jap. Aku try to recall apa link blog dia. and at last, jumpa jugak. Habis semua entry dia aku baca and aku came across a note. She wrote something back then. and lepas baca benda tu,shit this hit me so hard. Aku rasa macam ugh i really need to stop this. 

Im sorry that i called you that night, im sorry making you feel that way. Im really sorry. That is why i never tell anyone about my sadness, my problem. I hate people blame themselves bc of me. I really sorry. i shouldnt do that. sigh. She said, she know i'll be happy. She put a high hope on that, but aku? Masih bodoh menulis cerita yang sakit ini. Masih bodoh try to remember every single things that happen untuk tulis dalam blog ni. Bodohnya aku? Diri sendiri yang buat diri sendiri. Macam mana nak kehadapan kalau fikiran masih lagi di masa lalu?

Kenapa aku masih perlu tulis semua ini? I know this is your place Hana, this is the only place you can talk whatever you want. To be honest, aku sendiri pun taktahu why i still have the urge to write this story. To still have a continuous draft on this story. Maybe i want this story to have a diff ending? I swear to god, i really dont know. But sigh, THIS story needs an end. I think this story is one of the reason why im still in the past. It is what it is. Yes. So i guess, this ends here. There's no more to tell. No more to rant. I'm very sure that everybody know how well this story end right? So yeah. Thank you for reading. and i think someday, The Unexpected Feeling will be no longer on this blog. Aku taktahu bila, but im sure of it. Or maybe even worse, this blog also will be deleted. I'll do. Whatever it takes.



So long and, goodnight. 

February 13, 2019

♥Hiraeth

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12 February 2019,
selamat ulang tahun awak.

I saw your stories, her stories on instagram.
You had a great birthday. She treats you damn well. 
Tbh, im jealous. That should be me? idk, didnt move on yet? Yes i am.
I do not know what i should do about this. Did i still love you? Or just i cant forgive you yet?

You bring her to see your mom.
You didnt do that with me. Im jealous? Yes i am. 

You buy her things.
You didnt buy anything for me? Im jealous? Yes i am.

You show her off, you proud of her, you praised her in public.
You didnt do that for me? Im jealous? Yes i am.

I didnt really know what did you feel about me when we were together. I didnt know what that 5 years means for you. I just dont know. You left me with thousand thoughts. Just like that.

You make me constantly wonder, did im not enough? where did it go wrong? what did that i lack of? should i do better? what should i do? my effort didnt enough? did i didnt meet your expectation? what you want? what means by your "iloveyou" every single night and morning? How can your heart change drastically? How about all the promises we made? you made towards me?

but i've read this somewhere. They say, bila lelaki betul betul sayang, dia tahu apa dia perlu buat. Dia tahu apa dia patut buat untuk orang yang dia sayang. Takperlu ajar pun, sebab lelaki takbodoh. Jangan pelik if you've been couple for years, but as soon as you guys break, dia terus kahwin/tunang. and one more, paling senang nak tengok, bila he's with you he never buy you things. But when with the new one, dia beli macam macam, dia buat macam macam untuk perempuan tu. Boleh faham kan? dah boleh sedar diri kot? :)

Yeah i know, you're my past. But, sigh.. no matter how many times does my mind say "it is what it is" but still, deep down my heart wishes shit was different.

You, happy birthday. Little did you know, i still love you. always love you. But if happy is her, im happy for you.

September 16, 2018

♥Morning rant.


I hate night. Every single things that i do in a daylight to make myself happy, to make myself forget, to make myself strong again, to make myself feel normal again, its all fcking lost just in a one night. Its so freaking exhausted to start over again back in the morning. Your heart gonna be so heavy yet fucing empty in the morning and you just sit there crying and think what else you got to do to stop this cycle. I swear, its so fucking exhausted. 

I came to the phase where i no longer care about this world ending, it has ended for me so many times. and began again in the morning. I just hope that this world really did end. Im no longer interested to keep on fighting. I dont know why this heartbreak slap me this hard. I really did try hard to moving on, to let go for what’ve happen. But its just the same. Nothing change. My heart still feel the ache. This mind keep on forcing me to think about it. 

They say time will heal. But for how long? Im afraid that i cant make it to the exact time. Im no longer strong. Aku kecewa dengan diri aku. Aku kecewa dengan dia. Istg that being an option to someone is so fucking hurt. I didnt care if i was the second best candidate for the job i wanted, i didnt care about my bestfriend choosing someone else to be their lunch mate, i learned to be not surprised when my parent giving more attention to someone else but i didnt know why it hurts so much when you picked her over me. 

Im sorry. I really miss him. I miss myboy. I miss my strenght.