February 12, 2019

♥Hiraeth

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12 February 2019,
selamat ulang tahun awak.

I saw your stories, her stories on instagram.
You had a great birthday. She treats you damn well. 
Tbh, im jealous. That should be me? idk, didnt move on yet? Yes i am.
I do not know what i should do about this. Did i still love you? Or just i cant forgive you yet?

You bring her to see you mom.
You didnt do that with me. Im jealous? Yes i am. 

You buy her things.
You didnt buy anything for me? Im jealous? Yes i am.

You show her off, you proud of her, you praised her in public.
You didnt do that for me? Im jealous? Yes i am.

I didnt really know what did you feel about me when we were together. I didnt know what that 5 years mean for you. I just dont know. You left me with thousand thoughts. Just like that.

You make me constantly wonder, did im not enough? where did it go wrong? what did that i lack of? should i do better? what should i do? my effort didnt enough? did i didnt meet your expectation? what you want? what means by your "iloveyou" every single night and morning? How can your heart change drastically? How about all the promises we made? you made towards me?

but i've read this somewhere. They say, bila lelaki betul betul sayang, dia tahu apa dia perlu buat. Dia tahu apa dia patut buat untuk orang yang dia sayang. Takperlu ajar pun, sebab lelaki takbodoh. Jangan pelik if you've been couple for years, but as soon as you guys break, dia terus kahwin/tunang. and one more, paling senang nak tengok, bila he's with you he never buy you things. But when with the new one, dia beli macam macam, dia buat macam macam untuk perempuan tu. Boleh faham kan? dah boleh sedar diri kot? :)

Yeah i know, you're my past. But, sigh.. no matter how many times does my mind say "it is what it is" but still, deep down my heart wishes shit was different.

You, happy birthday. Little did you know, i still love you. always love you. But if happy is her, im happy for you.

September 16, 2018

♥Morning rant.


I hate night. Every single things that i do in a daylight to make myself happy, to make myself forget, to make myself strong again, to make myself feel normal again, its all fcking lost just in a one night. Its so freaking exhausted to start over again back in the morning. Your heart gonna be so heavy yet fucing empty in the morning and you just sit there crying and think what else you got to do to stop this cycle. I swear, its so fucking exhausted. 

I came to the phase where i no longer care about this world ending, it has ended for me so many times. and began again in the morning. I just hope that this world really did end. Im no longer interested to keep on fighting. I dont know why this heartbreak slap me this hard. I really did try hard to moving on, to let go for what’ve happen. But its just the same. Nothing change. My heart still feel the ache. This mind keep on forcing me to think about it. 

They say time will heal. But for how long? Im afraid that i cant make it to the exact time. Im no longer strong. Aku kecewa dengan diri aku. Aku kecewa dengan dia. Istg that being an option to someone is so fucking hurt. I didnt care if i was the second best candidate for the job i wanted, i didnt care about my bestfriend choosing someone else to be their lunch mate, i learned to be not surprised when my parent giving more attention to someone else but i didnt know why its hurt so much when you picked her over me. 

Im sorry. I really miss him. I miss myboy. I miss my strenght. 

May 22, 2018

♥ Unexpected Feeling. (Part 11)

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** Sambungan Unexpected Feeling (Part 10) **
** Dinasihatkan baca ⬆⬆⬆⬆ dulu baru baca ⬇⬇⬇⬇ **

Day by day, month by month. Everything goes smoothly. Then after nak dekat hujung tahun, i guess? im starting to rasa tak sedap hati. Sumpah rasa macam ada something yang tak kena. Aku selalu tanya kat kawan aku, it is ok that i feel like this? Rasa tak tenang, rasa something happen, rasa nervous? Tapi then they said maybe perasaan hang ja kot, maybe sebab nak period. Then aku ambil keputusan untuk buat taktau. But i know something is really goes wrong somewhere.


Then one day, i found a girl and his comments, replying each other on something like fun/quotes account instagram. Her asking him whats hes fav colour. Then i found more and more of her comment on his instagram. Tapi aku buat tak kisah ja, sebab ramai je perempuan, i mean his friends yang selalu comment kat instagram dia. Tapi about this girl, aku rasa lain macam. Sungguh. I can feel something uneasy about this girl. Then i followed her using my instashop. Know what? She block me. Hahahaahaha. Then i tried asked my friend to follow her. and yes, she approved. There's a pic of her, eating at Kyochon and theres a bag on the table. Aku kenal bag tu. His bag. Aku tahu tu bag dia. Tapi aku taknak syak apa apa. Aku sedapkan hati aku kata ramai ja orang lain pakai bag tu. Aku biar lagi.

Then, after a few weeks, a month i guess? I meet him. At a mall. Aku tenung muka dia lama. Aku rasa sayu. Aku sedih. End up aku nangis. Aku terus cakap aku nak pi toilet. I cried in toilet so hard. Sebab aku tau, aku dapat rasa yang this meet will be the end of us. Habis tu, aku keluar. And guess what? he doesnt even know im crying. Hes busy with his phone. Watching Naruto i guess? Balik tu, aku post story my sad face. Then he replied my story, marah marah. "Kenapa sedih? Penat kot aku rushing pi sana nak jumpa hang? Tiba tiba balik hang post sedih macam ni? tak hargai langsung" Aku just biar. Aku tak reply. AKu malas nak explain apa apa. Yang aku tahu this will be the end of us. Macam mana aku tak sedih. You cant deny woman's instinct, sayang. :)


Then after a few days, he asked me on whatsapp. "kalau b curang sayang marah tak?" aku jawab, "if i do that, what would you feel?" then dia kata yes marah. Dia suruh aku abaikan. Then aku takpuas hati. Aku rasa this is the time that i should ask him. Aku takboleh nak biar dah bad feelings aku ni. Aku cakap kat dia. "if nak curang please freaking tell me". Yes. After that, hes freaking tell me that dia curang. Alasan dia. Aku jauh. Aku tak ada dengan dia. Dia terasa hati dengan aku time dia wish aku birthday, aku cakap wish tu tak valid, sebab dia wish awal. Alasan dia wish awal sebab pukul 12am nnt dia ada futsal. Idk, i just feel like dia pentingkan futsal dari aku. Sebab tu aku cakap macam tu. Im sorry sayang. Starting from that, dia mula tawar hati. Aku pulak makin busy dengan kerja. Lepas tu, aku tak pergi convo dia. Neither his family pun tak datang. Dia sedih. Then that girl came. That girl make dia happy. Time nobody else do not. He freaking tell me that. Hati aku berkecai masa tu. Berkecai. Dia kata dia dah mula sayangkan perempuan tu.

Unexpected Feeling. (Part 12)